Narcissism In The Couple, What Can We Do?

When narcissism appears in the couple, anguish becomes evident and fear appears. Because beyond what one might think, narcissistic men and women also fall in love. With the difference that their mechanism of love generates “a cord” which is tied around us. Every day, it tightens more and more and every moment we lose more rights and wills. We may even end up losing our own voice.

You have certainly heard people say that they are “narcissistic magnets”. Why is this happening? Why are we so blind that we cannot detect this kind of personality? According to some theories, it is on average the most sensitive and empathetic people who feel captivated by this type of personality.

Maybe there is some kind of feedback, where one feeds the needs of the other. However, it must be said that there is no conclusive data on this subject. In reality, we can all be drawn to this profile, regardless of our way of being, our age or our social status. The reason is that narcissists are usually very magnetic at the start of a relationship.

So, it is common that they exhibit characteristics such as kindness, liveliness, a great sense of humor, resourcefulness, personal security and that sparkling extroversion that never goes unnoticed. However, underneath this dazzling patina is undoubtedly their real skin. It is essentially characterized by the inability to form an emotionally positive bond with someone.

Narcissism in the couple: the keys to action

The way narcissism appears in the couple responds to different realities. Thus, it is common that two very concrete facts can occur: the first, that narcissism begins in both members.

The second is that it is one of the two who clearly and overtly engages in behavior that is as harmful as it is destructive to the relationship itself. These are, without a doubt, two situations that we must analyze.

Narcissism in the couple: when both act selfishly

It is important to differentiate narcissistic behavior from narcissistic personality disorder. In the latter case, it is a clinical condition included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V).

Therefore, two people with this personality type or disorder may coexist in a relationship. It’s unusual, but it can happen. Also, another reality that sometimes occurs in the lifecycle of a relationship is:

• We leave aside the needs of the couple to prioritize our own.
• But this emotional neglect is not the only one to appear. In addition, behaviors arise, such as the need for control. But also ups and downs in which we want to instantly get closer to our partner, or move away quickly.

What happens when the narcissism in the couple begins in both members? What happens is that this link is located in an abyss into which sooner or later it will rush towards its own end. There are couples who have stopped loving each other and are not able to give way to a healthy resolution.

Neglect arises and at the same time the ballast of dependence is always present. The members of the couple do not want to let go of what was once “theirs”.

My partner is narcissistic, what can I do?

Narcissism in the couple is commonly manifested in only one of its members. Thus, it is after a certain time that the other person becomes aware of the true personality of the loved one. It is then that the initial fascination gives way to a critical look at the true personality of the partner.

The keys to reflection and decision-making

Livesley, Jang, Jackson and Vernon (1993) point out in a study that in 64% of cases the narcissistic personality has a genetic origin. Therefore, changes do not happen so easily.

Likewise, this profile generally falls within a spectrum. When some show more abusive behavior, others will have only a few slight traits of this personality type.

Here are some keys on which we must reflect.

• Never doubt yourself. When the narcissism in the relationship becomes evident, there are only two options left. React or get used to living in emotional abandonment. If we do this, we will end up doubting ourselves, our self-esteem, and even our own identity.
• Breakups and reconciliations, is it really worth it? To have a narcissistic partner is to live in a permanent cycle of distancing and reconciliation. It is possible that at some point you had the strength to leave this relationship. However, the narcissist is able to show us affection and “capture” us again. Determine what this means for your dignity.

• They need you to validate their self-esteem, but where is yours? Narcissists lack a central self. So, to stabilize and strengthen their self-image, they need someone to do it for them. They feed on each other to assert themselves. Think about whether it is really worth it. Visualize for a moment how you see yourself in 5 or 10 years.

Conclusions

Without a doubt, one could point out that the best option is to break up. However, this decision is personal and would mean admitting that no one can change or position themselves on certain inclinations of their personality, ending with their effects.

It must therefore be evaluated on a case-by-case basis: the risk of generalization at this stage is very great. Not all situations are the same, and not all people who are narcissistic or have a narcissistic personality disorder are the same.

However, despite the existence of psychological approaches, such as talk therapy, to try to effect change in these patients, it is a complex process. Added to this is the reluctance of these people to seek therapy.

Therefore, narcissism in a relationship is something that is going to require a lot of us, in the first place to defend ourselves and to make decisions. Let’s do this with our own well-being and integrity as a priority.

Our thoughts

The foundations falter and the scenario becomes complicated when the family affects the couple’s relationship.