Mourning After A Breakup
Like all processes in which we lose a loved one, grieving after a breakup can be complicated. Many people, when leaving a relationship, find themselves invaded by a series of emotions that they do not know how to control, especially if the decision is one-sided or simply, if the other disappears without any explanation.
However, grieving after a breakup is very similar to other types of grief. And this has a big advantage: Psychologists have spent decades studying how to overcome losses. Therefore, there are a multitude of tools that can help us get better after a separation. Let’s dig deeper.
The grieving process after a romantic breakup mainly goes through five phases. The peculiarity is that they can present themselves in a somewhat different way than when they arise after the death of a loved one. However, the basic structure is the same.
So, when our partner breaks up with us, it is normal that we go through the following five steps:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
These phases do not have to occur in the same order for everyone. So someone might start with anger, then move on to denial, and then to depression. Another person, perhaps, will get stuck between bargaining and depression, switching from one to the other for a long time.
The key is to remember that all of these emotions are perfectly normal. In addition, we must take into account the fact that after a romantic break-up, mourning appears almost inevitably if the feelings were very strong. Therefore, just understanding what each of these phases is about can go a long way in easing emotional suffering.
Let’s see each of them:
The first phase that we go through following a breakup is denial. The affected person is not able to believe that the relationship is over. Therefore, she continues to act as if at any time the other is going to come back.
Depending on the person, this can happen in different ways. To some, the breakup will seem like nothing more than a normal, ongoing argument. In these cases, the affected person believes that in a short time they will reconcile with their ex. For others, on the other hand, it will be obvious that this is a real breakup, but they will think that with some effort, they can get their ex back.
If you think you are in this phase, it is necessary that you begin to look at what happened in the face. Denying reality will only make you suffer more in the long run.
Once the person accepts that the relationship is over, feelings of hostility and anger usually appear. These fulfill a fundamental function: they allow emotional suffering to lose intensity.
Some of the typical thoughts of this stage are as follows:
- “He / She didn’t really deserve me”
- “I’m better off without him / her”
- “He / She doesn’t know what he / she is losing”
However, this mental dialogue hides great amounts of resentment and suffering. To move forward in the grieving process, it is necessary to understand that the ex is a normal person, who only acts in the way that he thinks is the best. Only then will it be possible to calm the anger and move on to the next step.
At this point, the grieving person tries to win back their ex in any way they can. Thus, romantic gestures, requests, and even acts of emotional blackmail may appear. This is especially true in the case of people with certain personality types, such as people with histrionics or depression.
The only way to get over this step is to accept that the ex is not coming back. This is the only way to move forward to the next phase of mourning.
During this phase, the person finally accepts that their ex will not come back. However, the process of overcoming grief after the breakup is not yet complete. In this new stage, that of depression, the predominant belief is that one cannot live without the other.
So, some of the most common thoughts in this phase are as follows:
- “I will never meet a person like him / her again”
- “I’m going to die alone”
- “I’ll never be well again”
- “No one will love me the way he / she loved me”
The messages that a person sends to themselves are mostly irrational thoughts. To finish overcoming grief, it is necessary to accept that one can be well without the other, and that losing this relationship is not such a terrible thing.
The last stage of grief occurs when the person finally comes to terms with what has happened. Plus, she realizes that she doesn’t need each other to be good. At this point, the affected person can rebuild their life or even start a new relationship in a healthy way.
The time that will have been necessary for these five phases to pass depends on each one. If you are at this very moment trying to overcome a breakup, you need to be patient. The only basic thing is that you move forward little by little, and that you actively work to get up.
Our thoughts Breaking up is extremely difficult. So here are some tips on how to best overcome it.
