How To Love As A Couple, According To Russ Hurris

Russ Harris is on the list of psychotherapists who follow a targeted approach to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Of British origin, he is currently one of the best known ACT specialists. Russ Harris performs this therapy individually, but also as a couple when it becomes particularly difficult to love as a couple.

Russ Harris is the author of one of the best help books, The Happiness Trap . He wrote another untranslated book, whose equivalent title in French would be AGIR avec amour . This article will focus on the key ideas expressed for loving as a couple and dealing with conflict according to ACT, following the main ideas championed by Russ Harris.

The difficulties of loving as a couple

Relationships have their comings and goings. This means, that they can be wonderful and, at the same time, terrible. Closely related to the challenges posed by the flow of emotions is the challenge of love as a couple .

Due to their dynamic nature, emotions vary. At the start of a relationship, the main emotions are usually those focused on caring and dedication. Once the relationship stabilizes, the intensity of these pleasant emotions decreases.

Loving as a couple can produce some unpleasant emotions. Some may arise from the expectation that the couple will cover all our needs and requests, giving way to a cycle of discomfort from which it is not easy to escape.

This circle of discomfort causes each member of the couple to focus more on what the other is doing for them, instead of looking at areas where the other could make interesting contributions. Unmet needs or frustrated expectations begin to stand out against covered needs or satisfied expectations.

Couples can also be harmed by a number of myths that society feeds and transmits. False beliefs that affect the expectations that one has of the other, the roles that each of them should play in order to love as a couple. We detail the most important myths in the rest of this article.

The perfect companion

He is considered the ideal person. A person who covers all the other person’s needs at the expense of their own. This type of socially imposed fantasy in the form of novels, romantic movies, or even fairy tales harms relationships. This notion of perfection necessarily implies the comparison of couple relationships.

Comparing how the relationship should be and reality can lead to conflict. The weakest points of the couple relationship are then highlighted.

The perfect match

Here we are referring to the myth that we are born incomplete and need to find our other half to be happy. There are many songs where the phrase “I am nothing without you” is present. From this perspective, it is the other who is responsible for our happiness, and giving this responsibility to the other is problematic.

In addition, we tend to think that loving as a couple means filling the lacks of the other. However, this idea is counterproductive for the relationship. By following this concept, we become more dependent on the other, fearing the possibility of ending up without a partner.

Love is easy and always lasts

Loving as a couple can be easy at the start of a relationship. However, over time, the differences between two people are felt. This is what is commonly called in today’s jargon “incompatibilities”.

These incompatibilities bring us back to the point of “the perfect partner”. For the love bond to survive the difficulties, understanding, complicity or intimacy are necessary. As well as negotiating key points and accepting differences, without making it a tool with which to hurt the other in times of crisis.

Psychological flexibility in the relationship

Russ Harris refers to the term psychological flexibility for loving in a relationship. It is a question of approaching everyday life situations with a certain openness to experience. Concretely, it is a question of being in contact with the present moment to undertake an effective action oriented towards the values ​​of the couple.

Gaining greater psychological flexibility leads to improvements in uncomfortable situations that affect the couple. These improvements are as follows:

• Recognize and accept the individual differences between the members of the couple.
• Move away from the differences most likely to cause conflict. This promotes team decision-making in the event of incompatibility.
• Decrease the expectations that exist between the members of the relationship, those that can lead to conflicts arising from the beliefs of the “ideal partner”.
• Take advantage of experiences that arise in the present, promoting interactions and reducing the importance of past and / or future events.
• Reduce the impact of unpleasant thoughts and emotions that are a barrier to actions to promote bonding.

Who is this book on loving as a couple written for?

First of all, we have to remind you that this book should be read in English, ACT in love . Russ Harris refers to the main readers who may benefit from the content. These are the following:

• couples who wish to enrich their relationship.
• people who find it difficult to love each other as a couple and want to take advantage of some of the exercises offered in the book.
• single people who want to get rich for the future.
• professional psychologists who want to find ideas for working in couples therapy.

Ultimately, the book sums up the different uses of acceptance and commitment therapy and how it can be integrated into the relationship. At the end of each chapter, activities are offered for couples or therapists who wish to put theory into practice.

However, this is not a panacea of ​​techniques. Russ Harris writes on theoretical concepts. It gives examples of everyday life and relationship improvement techniques – love as a couple.

Sometimes these strategies work, and other times they don’t. It depends on the timing and the quality of the relationship. For this reason, the breakup processes are in turn normalized as one more process in the relationship. Therefore, it is recommended that any intervention be guided and supervised by an experienced specialist.

Our thoughts

We invite you here to discover different scientific facts about love. Some are really surprising and funny.