I Feel Like I Don’t Fit In, What Should I Do?

I feel like I don’t fit in, what can I do? There are many who in some way spend an enormous amount of their precious energy trying to fit in, to be like others, to be part of collectives even giving up their own individuality to find a feeling. of belonging. In most of these cases, we forget a fundamental aspect: the exceptional character of being unique, different from the rest.

However, there is one aspect that is clear to all of us: there are people who suffer from the weight of stigma, of isolation. As social creatures, we don’t just have to interact with others. We also want to feel part of something, of someone, we are looking for a minimum sense of belonging, security and those roots from which we can continue to grow in our personal project.

So although we are sometimes told that it is important to strengthen our individuality, to empower the “magic” of being different, in reality it is only a matter of how to balance the scales. We all suffer from this uncomfortable duality between who we are and what we have to show the world to be accepted.

Therefore, well-being would begin with not losing the essence and sense of oneself. The key is to be accepted by people who are meaningful to us, by beings capable of appreciating all that we are, with our peculiarities, our greatness and even our insecurities.

I feel like I don’t fit in and I suffer from it

It’s hard not to feel like an outsider in this world. There are times that seem to go against the grain, where we are stateless from one scene where everyone seems enchanted by the same melody, while we feel inspired by another. We are perhaps, like those fascinating trees, the jacarandas, which bloom in a purple shade while all around them, the others do only in green.

When I feel that I do not fit in, I suffer (a rule as real as it is common). More so, the complicated part of it all is that we are talking about suffering that is very easy to date. Because the feeling of not feeling integrated often arises in childhood.

So much so that it is common to think that there is a problem with us, that “blooming” in purple, like the tree mentioned above, is negative. When in reality we all have nuances that make us exceptional in the forest of life.

Bowen’s theory of vital forces

Dr Murray Bowen (1913-1990), developed the theory of life forces in the 1950s by observing how people develop emotionally and naturally.

• Bowen explained something very valuable in this approach. This theory postulates that in the human being there are two fundamental and at the same time opposing life forces.
• The first is a very powerful growth force that pushes us towards individuality, where we can build a self that is separate from our family, our friends, from society …
• The second is another equally powerful force that drives us to seek and need emotional closeness.

• According to this approach, most of us move through this often painful duality on a daily basis. We feel different because our sense of self seeks to separate itself from the rest. However, we want to integrate ourselves, to be part of these dynamics where others move

When we suffer from the “stigma” of not being in our place

When I feel like I don’t belong, I can’t blame myself . Sometimes I can come to think of the world itself as meaningless. This is what emerges from a study conducted at the University of Michigan by Drs Gregory Walton and Geoffrey M. Cohen.

This study has shown that those who suffer from the “stigma” of exclusion, who constantly suffer from “the uncertainty of belonging”, experience a decline in their motivation, in their academic and professional performance and, at the same time, are more likely to suffer from some kind of psychological disorder.

I want to fit in, what can I do?

Often, this idea of ​​“I feel like I don’t fit in” has its origins in the family. Our education and the dynamic that emerges from these micro-scenarios give us the feeling very early on that we “are not normal”. For example, we are not normal in the eyes of our parents because we may not be as bright as our brother.

Because we came out of it more rebellious, because our hobbies, our tastes and our passions do not fit in with the family project. Thus, we can drag this mark for years, which diminishes our social skills, our self-image and our identity. For this reason, and in order to reinforce these dimensions and improve our sense of belonging, it is useful to reflect on these ideas.

Define who you are and make it shine

One of the most interesting contributions Carl Jung has left us is his theory of individuation. According to this approach, one of our most important responsibilities is: to awaken our potential, our individual consciousness, overcome our fears and resistances and speak out in front of the world as we are. With confidence and happiness.

Such a process takes time. However, before “wanting to fit in with others”, it is better to “fit in with yourself”. We need to encourage self-acceptance, knowing who we are and what we want.

It’s not about “fitting in”, any resistance creates pain

We’ve all tried to force a piece into a puzzle hole at some point. We immediately realize that it is unnecessary to use force. Not when the shapes don’t match, not when the holes don’t match the edges.

• We have to understand that in reality, life is not about wanting to fit in, but about sinking. If we try to do it by force, we will suffer and we might even choose to give up part of our identity in order to find ourselves in the wrong puzzle.
• We need to understand that there will be people, places, and groups that we identify with and others that we don’t. In addition, in our journey to find a sense of belonging to someone, we can do a thousand variations until we find our ideal space.

Be yourself every day of your life and your “tribe” will come to you

It doesn’t matter if we take our own solitary journey for a while. On this trip, we are just going to celebrate each other. Sometimes when we keep pace with a singular passion or impulse, we end up finding our own “tribe”; one where everything harmonizes, where we are accepted and appreciated for every nuance, for every particular nook.

In conclusion, if I feel like I’m not fitting in , the first thing we can do is reduce that anxiety. Dealing with fears, polishing insecurities, and shining our own sense of self and self-esteem muscle helps us be more effective.

Our thoughts

Self-esteem is one of the keys to our well-being and we must cultivate it daily by being in tune with ourselves.