Praises And Compliments Are Storms That Threaten To Blow Us Away
As we grow up we gain independence. After a few months, we can crawl on all fours. When we pass the 10 years, we are already left to go to places on our own and, later, when we find a job that allows us to do so, we leave the house. It is a gradual process in which we will collect compliments and name-calling as we learn and gain responsibility.
However, no matter how much progress we make on the path to independence, there is one thing we will never break free from: the influence others have on us. This influence can be deliberate, such as when our boss assigns us a job to do; or, more subtly, like when our boss gives us a good dose of compliments to try to reinforce our motivation and our style of behavior.
Louis’s story
The fly that was in the kitchen when Louis came home said he looked preoccupied. His mother, seeing his temper, asked him what was happening to him. Louis sadly confessed to him that his comrades had told him that he was just incapable, that he had not been able to solve the problem when he was sent to the board by his teacher.
His mother tells him that next weekend, when they go for a walk in the pine forest near their house, he should pick up a pine cone and tell her all the bad things that are on his mind. . Louis looked at her in astonishment and left, curious about what she had said to him. That same Saturday, in the middle of a series of kicks in his ball, he picked up a pine cone and said a bunch of horrible words to it that we won’t repeat. He let himself go completely.
Over dinner his mother asked him if he had spoken to the pine cone. Louis tells him yes. She then tells him that next Saturday he should pick up another pine cone, but this time telling him all the good things that come to mind. Louis did so and his mother came back to ask him questions.
More specifically, she asked him if, during one of these two Saturdays, he had noticed a difference in the pine cone, before and after having picked it up. Louis told him no.
The mother told him that the same was happening with people, that name-calling or compliments didn’t change who we are. Also, she tells him that we have a fundamental advantage over the pine cone, which is that we can learn.
We look like Louis
We have been like Louis very often and we will certainly continue to be, because the words of others enter us and leave their influence lying around. We probably cannot avoid this; what we can do, however, is look at the messages that reach us with the perspective they deserve.
Because the fact that a person tries, from his point of view, to paint a portrait of us, regardless of whether he wants to insult us or not, does not mean that this portrait can be more true than another who would be. random. In fact, before his comrades told him that, Louis did not consider himself incapable, even if he did not know how to solve the problem.
When faced with messages of this type, it is always good to introduce a question into our internal dialogue: why should others decide on the criteria and not us? You should realize that these people only spend part of the day with you and are aware of only a small part of who you are or what you think. Something that, whether you like it or not, doesn’t happen to you.
Consider that the person who gives you a whole bunch of compliments today may insult you tomorrow. The opposite can also happen. Do not be like a boat that is at the mercy of the waves of praise, nor like a leaf that flies according to the wishes of the wind that blows in the form of praise.
Get all the information you want from what you are told, but when it comes to being, from the verb to be, you have the last word when it comes to introducing different adjectives into your portrait. This is a great power, don’t put it in the hands of other people: if you happen to do it, let it be in the hands of people who really love you.
