I Feel A Deep Unhappiness When In Reality I Should Be Happy

Who has never had a bad time in life? We have all encountered obstacles, it must be said, and they made us feel uneasy. But by sharing it with the beings we love, we obtained answers such as: “the past is over, now you have to look in front of you” or “no longer think about it and try to be happy”, etc. .

What is there behind these “water has flowed under the bridges” or “now we must get up and continue to fight”? Does this mean that the bad things that happen to me cannot affect me? Or does it imply that if something is affecting me I have to act like nothing has happened and keep moving forward? Should we be happy no matter what? No !

“Happiness is healthy for the body, but it is pain that develops the strength of the spirit. “

-Marcel Proust-

Happiness as a cause to defend

In today’s society, it is promulgated that you have to be happy above all. We cannot be sad, or anxious, or angry. Happiness becomes the great cause to defend, we see it everywhere. The reality is that being happy is a wonderful thing, how can we deny that?

We are bombarded with messages of joy, happiness and optimism,  both on social networks and in the media. So much so that when someone does not feel as happy as they “should” be, feelings of frustration arise, since reality is not in line with the expectations generated. Oh, oh, discomfort comes along and with it thoughts like, “If he / she is happy, why am I not?” “.

“My happiness consists in knowing how to appreciate what I have and not to over-desire what I don’t have. “

-Leon Tolstoy-

It appears that being happy despite all circumstances is very complicated for us, isn’t it? Because  if something does not turn out as we expected or if something bad happens to us, negative emotions appear, without our having much room to avoid them.

So what’s going on, we don’t have to be happy or we can’t feel bad in certain situations? Of course, being happy is great, but we also need to avoid the exercise of reinforcing any negative feelings that we may have at any given time thinking that we should be feeling good.

Why do negative emotions appear?

Emotions arise in the form of our body’s response to specific situations. But how do they appear? It depends on the individual’s assessment of what is happening to him. Thus, positive emotions are those which generate pleasant feelings. They appear when one evaluates the situation as positive, and it is therefore not necessary to mobilize resources to try to modify or get out of this situation.

Negative emotions generate unpleasant feelings. They appear when we assess a situation as being painful, by mobilizing a large number of resources to face it and be able to overcome it. In this way, in order to be able to “move forward” as our friends say, it is necessary that these negative emotions appear.

For example, if something scares us, we will try to protect ourselves. However, when something makes us angry, we will prepare to defend ourselves against possible harm. If disgust occurs, that emotion will cause us to move away from that thing that can be harmful or “toxic” to us. And when we feel sad, that sadness helps us come to terms with the loss, making us think so that we can come back to what happened.

So, should we let ourselves be carried away by the emotional discomfort?

Good question ! As we have seen, it appears that emotions arise in order to make us adapt as best as possible to the different situations and to the various changes that are happening around us. This means that they are necessary, whether they are positive or negative.

“Beware of sadness: it is a vice. “

-Gustave Flaubert-

The trickiest part is knowing when emotions can become harmful to us. If they invade us frequently, they can cause various psychosomatic illnesses and anxiety or mood disorders. So,  how can we differentiate a normal emotion from a harmful emotion? To achieve this, we have a series of parameters:

• Number of episodes. We are referring here to the number of times negative emotions arise. If they only appear infrequently, all is well. The problem arises when they come up repeatedly.
• Intensity of emotion. When we feel it in a mild or moderate way, it is a normal discomfort, but it is not the case when the intensity is high.

• Duration of the emotion. When it is limited and passes after the event that generated it disappears, it means that it fulfills its function. If, on the contrary, it lasts for a long time, it does not mean anything good for us.
• Type of reaction. If it is a normal response to a situation, equal to how other people would have responded to the same situation, the emotion is not pathological. A sign of abnormality can be, in this sense, a disproportionate reaction.
• Suffering that it causes. If it is limited and transient, the discomfort that occurs is normal. This is not the case, however, if the suffering is high and lasting.
• Interference with daily life. When it interferes in a slight way or does not interfere at all, it is not harmful. But if it deeply interferes with everyday life, it is potentially dangerous.

Once we understand all of this, we need to realize that it is beneficial for us to see negative emotions appear when they have to. We should not avoid this discomfort, but neither should we surrender ourselves to it. This is where the ability to deal with emotions comes into play. Once they have helped us to adequately confront a concrete fact, they must disappear. This will allow us to be happy and move forward.

Images by Ryan McGuire.